This story is fictional. Any resemblances to any real events or people are entirely coincidental.

How utterly frustrating it was! I desired to arrive at the conference before its commencement, for how important a character trait punctuality is. Particularly in my field, it is very much frowned upon to be late; it is a sign of weakness and of poor planning.

How could a person be so absent-minded as to arrive at a conference late?

I could not believe that it happened to me. I don’t drive, because it is a menial task that does not suit a wealthy salesperson like me. I had called for a taxi, but the driver was running late – how foolish of him! and not just a little late, mind you, but twenty minutes late!

The conference was to commence at 4:00 pm, and I had wanted to arrive at 3:00. Instead, I arrived at 3:45.

I know what you’re thinking. I was still early.

Maybe according to you, I was early; maybe according to everyone else, I was early, but to me, I was on time, and being on time is no better than being late.

If anything, it is even worse than being late.

When you are late, you reveal to those around you that you are not worth doing business with.

When you are on time, however, you create the illusion that you are punctual.

Imposter.

How important it is to arrive early! Only then are you a truly punctual person.

And there is nothing more dreadful than those who argue that they have other commitments. It is a privilege to work alongside me. My colleagues who use this excuse deserve not such a great privilege.

Business is more important than pleasure; it is more important than family! Those individuals who value their children more than their vocation ought not to engage in my work; it is so utterly frustrating that I must refer to these as my professional network.

And what of friends? The most dreadful distraction of all, they are. How fun they seem, and how alluring are their invitations to hang out? What an absurd phrase of the English language! What does it even mean to hang out? I do not know, for I have never received an invitation to do the same. How glad I am that this is the case, for if I had had the misfortune of having friends, they would forever distract me from getting work done.

The Chief Executive Officer was attending this conference, hence the importance of my appearing noble and well-mannered. I had never had the privilege of meeting the CEO before; privilege was something that had often eluded me, as evidenced by the utter incompetence of my taxi driver that day.

There was something else that made attending this conference rather important.

Another sales manager, of my same rank, but of a different department, would also be there. I had never spoken to her, but at this conference, I very much wanted to do so.

What was that you just said? Why do I long to talk to someone so desperately, even when I know nothing of them, unless I’m in love with them?

Well, first of all, what a foolish concept is romantic love. I do not subscribe to the belief that any such thing exists. Relationships are economic in their very nature; we make emotional transactions, just as we make financial ones.

Secondly, you are so utterly wrong when you claim that I know nothing of this woman. She is an incredibly skilled sales manager – in fact, she is just as good as me. This is not an easy achievement; I have remained the best sales manager of the company for the past ten years.

She is the first colleague I have ever come across who poses a real threat to me.

And there you go: that’s why I need to talk to her. What if the CEO or the General Manager prefers her over me? That would be disastrous! I could miss out on promotions, pay rises, and other such opportunities.

So, no, I was not in love with my rival. Please refrain from making such absurd claims in future.

When I arrived at the conference, no-one seemed to be particularly frustrated by my lateness. Poor fools, the lot of them. How could they ignore my lack of punctuality? How could they disregard how utterly late I was? I suppose that they were just like you, thinking that being on-time is not at all a bad thing.

Fools.

Suddenly, I heard a sharp shrilly voice behind me: “How late you are!”

As I turned around, I saw that it was the foolish woman who was just as good at her job as I.

How irritating!

I looked at her, attempting to appear not at all frustrated at her dreadful presence. She was squinting at me, as though she were angry. Though she was just a young woman – in her early twenties – she had wrinkles beyond her years.

“I do apologise for my lateness. My taxi driver – incompetent fool that he is – picked me up twenty minutes late!”

“At least you use the taxi. Many idiots here drive. How foolish it is to drive!”

“I do agree with you. Driving is a menial skill, and us businesspeople ought not to concern ourselves with such frivolous responsibilities.”

She stopped squinting at me, and formed a smile on her lips, but her teeth were not showing. I noticed that she looked younger when she smiled.

She actually looked quite pretty.

What was that? No!

That comment was not an expression of an opinion, it was merely my stating a fact. It is foolish of you to imply that my ability to recognise the fact that this woman was pretty was somehow my implying that I loved her. Must I remind you that romantic love is an utterly foolish construct?

“I am rather glad that you happen to agree with me. With no due respect – fools deserve not respect – I find it shameful that these others think themselves fit to work in our field.”

“How wonderfully glad I am that we have arrived at the same opinion regarding this matter! I find it embarrassing to work with these losers. In fact, one of my subordinates decided it would be a good idea to get pregnant following her marriage.”

“Marriage and children, how dreadful!”

“Dreadful indeed, my frien – sorry, you are not at all a friend, you are a colleague.”

“That is correct. In fact, I have not any friendships!”

“How wonderful! I too lack friendships. How they would distract me from my work duties!”

She seemed rather lovely, this woman. I had never before met anyone who shared my views on life, hence my lack of friendships.

Yes, you do make a good point. That was just a slip of the tongue.

My lack of friendships is not at all symptomatic of my inability to find people who share my views; it is just a consequence of my diligent work ethic.

How excellent of you to point out my slip of the tongue! I do not give compliments regularly, so I must congratulate you on receiving one.

“Do you, like me – wonderfully diligent gentleman that I am – view the interests of our employer as more important than your own? Do you, like me, believe that work is all that there is to life?”

“I do.”

“You do?”

“I do.”

She gazed into my eyes, her smile as sweet as high fructose corn syrup. How unhealthy high fructose corn syrup is.

Suddenly, I felt the urge to kiss her lips, but you would be wrong if you said that that was because I loved her. It was merely a weird trick that my mind was playing on me, poor fool that my mind is.

“Well, I best get back to work,” she said.

“I do agree with you. We have spent an excessive amount of time socialising. How unnecessary our conversation was!”

“Very unnecessary indeed.”

So, we parted ways.

I should hope to see her again – at work, only to discuss work – at a later date.